


Zak Bagans: A love letter for Nick Groff

by MinaLaVoisin



Category: Ghost Adventures (TV)
Genre: GAC, M/M, Nak - Freeform, guys Im crying, love letter, this broke my heart completely
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:33:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24699883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinaLaVoisin/pseuds/MinaLaVoisin
Summary: Guys... I just cant. I was writing this for like 3 months, because Im taking care of my baby girl, so I didnt have that much time to write, but I just needed to write this. Im still not over NAK breakup and I probably never will be, so...You are free to cry with me! If you want to listen to some music while reading this, check the notes and the end, where you will find songs that inspired me while writing :)
Relationships: Zak Bagans & Nick Groff, Zak Bagans/Nick Groff
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	Zak Bagans: A love letter for Nick Groff

_You know that phrase, that people use often? The "hate to love, love to hate" one?  
I didnt know what it does mean when I was younger.  
Not until I met you._

_I think that "hate to love, love to hate" is how I feel about you._

_When I fell in love with you, it was just perfect. I felt butterflies in my stomach. I felt happy. Watching you smile was everything I wanted to do for the rest of my life. But then things got complicated. I knew that what we shared, whatever it was, has changed. The thought of you was keeping me awake at night. I couldnt breathe. I was so mad at you, so angry that I was wishing for you to leave. But the thought of you leaving was unbearable. I would miss you so much. I would rather die than to be without you.  
And then... you did it. You left. And I was damned._

_I remember you leaving._

_"Why, Nick? Why are you doing it?" I asked. "Why are you leaving the crew? Why are you leaving **me**?"  
And then you gave me **that** stare._

_Your eyes. Oh, how I loved them. Their color. Milk chocolate melted with honey. Autumn leaves illuminated by the sunset. Fire flares. But when you replied to my question, their color changed. Suddenly they darkened with anger. A shadow fell on them and they were reminding me of despair, of the deepest levels of hell I was left to die at. The stare was hard as a stone and cold like ice shards._

_"You think that **you** are more important to me than my family is?"_

_I felt so bad. Not because it would be truth, but because you thought it is.  
I knew that Im not. I knew it from the beginning. But I thought that I mean at least something similar to you. That our love does. And you said that you will never leave, so it was enough for me. But you did. You broke your promise and left. And thats why I was so mad at you._

_I only wanted to sit next to you, listen to you talking about something, no matter what it would be, just because I like the way your voice sounds. I only wanted to have you around, nothing more. I didnt want you to leave your family, never, Im not that selfish as you think me to be._

_"Nick, wait... Im sorry."_

_I apologized. For what? I dont know. I just thought its gonna help. I just thought its gonna calm you down.  
It didnt._

_"I dont care," you hissed.  
"I love you," I whispered hopelessly. I never said that before to you. I didnt want to. Actually... I did, but I was too afraid its gonna scare you. But now I felt like as if Im not gonna say that now, then it will rot inside of me forever, buried under the pain that grew in my heart me when you told me youre gonna leave._

_" **Love**? You never told me that!"  
"I... I thought you knew."_

_You were just silent. Not a single inch of your face moved._

_"I should have said that earlier. And I should have repeated that to you every day. Im sorry I didnt."_

_**Nothing**._

_"Nick, say something. Why do you want to leave? You used to tell me everything. Why are you silent now? You changed so much..."  
"Yes, I did. We both did. And thats why Im leaving. I want to achieve something big. On my own."_

_On your own. That means without me. It felt like a punch into my heart. I always thought that we will achieve something big together. **You** said that we will achieve something big **together**. And I believed you. But now I clearly wasnt a part of the life you wanted to live. I wasnt a part of your life anymore. Why else would be so easy for you to just leave?_

_I wanted to cry but I was trying to hold myself together, so Im not looking so weak in your eyes. Maybe if I would have let the tears flow and cover my face, it would change something._

_Well, would it? Im not sure._

_Maybe I should have tried more. I dont know what it was that I should have done, but I just know that I should have done **more**._

_"So, thats it? Really? A new show, your own show? Thats the real reason? You promised that we are gonna hunt ghosts together until we grow too old to walk! You deceived the crew when you decided to investigate alone, Nick. You deceived **me**. I wish I would never met you!"_

_I didnt want to say that. It just happened. I dont know why. I wanted to take it back, to tell you that I didnt mean it. But it was too late.  
I saw you, how those words hit you hard. Your eyes were overflowing with hurt and instead of melting those ice shards with tears, the pain just sharpened their edges._

_"Well, at least we have **something** in common, you ass," you said with a bitter tone. "Because I wish I wouldnt met you either."_

_You lied. I knew it. You just wanted a payback. You said it just to hurt me as much as I did hurt you._

_"Well... then you are free to go," I said. "But if you do, dont ever come back."_

_Why did I say this? I wasnt able to control myself. I wish I would be stronger._

_"Funny that you say that. I just wanted to offer you this. Im gonna leave and we will never see each other again. We are gonna live like we would never meet each other. No visits, no phone calls, no text messages. Nothing."  
"You... you want me to pretend that we... we never..."  
"Yes. Lets just live our lives like as if **we** never existed."_

_**How am I supposed to do that?** I wanted to ask. I couldnt imagine that. Your bright smile. Shy kisses. Your touches that were so hot that they alway left my skin burned and aching, but also screaming for more.  
I guess you were right after all. **More**. Thats what I always wanted, but I never admitted it. I just wanted **us** to be **more**..._

_"Lets pretend that we never met."_

_I was just staring at you. I remembered the moment when we first met. I was supposed to be a DJ on your wedding. We met a couple days before your **big event** to discuss the playlist. We were sitting at a local bar, me, you and your future wife. We talked about the songs and then we just started a conversation about ourselves. I found out that you like the same things that I do. You laughed and I suddenly thought **Oh, God, how handsome this man is...**. Thats when I fell in love with you. I should have told you before you got married. But I didnt. We were both young and your girlfriend was holding your hand. How was I supposed to say out loud that I think that I just fell in love with you in front of her when we met just an hour ago?_

_I remember our first investigation. It wasnt at Virginia City, it was just a small cemetery. No cameras, no recorders, no equipment, just us, our bodies and feelings.  
"I like you," I said back then.  
"I like you too, Zak," you smiled.  
"Like... a lot," I added.  
You just smiled again, watching me with those hazel eyes of yours. Oh, how gentle their stare was back then.  
"I do too," you nodded. "It feels like as if we know each other for years, not only for a couple of days, right?"  
"Right," I agreed simply._

_Nothing felt more true than what you just said. It felt like as if we know each other for thousands of years, for more than just one lifetime. And it felt the same way every day. Always. Until you decided to leave. And now I was staring at you, at some stranger, at someone who changed, at someone who was whole different from who I know him to be. And I hated it. I still hate that. But... what can I do to change that? I guess theres nothing left for me to try. You chose the way your life should be. And I was no longer involved._

_"I wish I could go back in the past," I sighed.  
"Yeah, me too," you smirked sarcastically. "I would choose another DJ."_

_I didnt mean it like that. I would go back to change things, to do a lot of them differently. To do something that would show you that I really care._

_Images started to flow through my head._

_Our first documentary. First and last in fact, if you dont count the special Halloween episodes of our series. I was so scared, so worried about you. When we escaped through that window, we embraced each other in relief. We were holding onto each other, being finally safe in each others arms, breathing heavily and shaking like leaves in the wind.  
"That was terrifying," you said.  
"Its ok, Im holding you. I got you. Its ok, dont worry, youre safe now," I whispered.  
I felt your tensed body relax a little in my embrace, only your hands were still clenching the back of my shirt.  
"Im gonna protect you," I promised. "Every time. Always. Forever."_

_Im sorry, that I didnt. I guess I broke a few promises too._

_I should have protected you more. It was my fault, that you are leaving, after all. I should have never let that darkness thats surrounding me come closer to you. But how was I supposed to do that, when my darkness so desperately begged me to let you in, so you can bright everything up with your light?_

_Im sorry. So sorry for not being stronger. I should have pushed you away, but I didnt. I wanted you to be near. And I wasnt able to fight it._

_I remember when we started to film together. Aaron joined us, but still... it was more about you and me, wasnt it? I remember your enthusiasm, the desire to know more, to find out more than anyone else ever did. You wanted to be an adventurer, yet a scientist and I loved that tiny aspect of your personality. You were the one that used logic and had a practical mind, I was more of a crazy young boy, who saw ghosts and demons around every corner. I thought that whatever the world shows me, it needs to be sign of something. And then I saw you smile at me with the corner of my eye, when you thought that I cant see you. You seemed to be fascinated with something, so I turned over to you._

_"What?" I asked.  
"Nothing," you replied, still smiling.  
"Is something wrong? With my hair?"_

_Yeah, I always was too narcisstic, I know._

_"No," your smile grew to a big grin.  
"Then why are you laughing?"  
"You are just crazy, you know that?" you laughed._

_I just blinked, not knowing what to say. **How does he mean it? Was it a joke?**_

_"Well... I kinda like that you are this way," your wide smile was bright and beautiful._

_I wasnt used to believe what people say, but it was the smile that convinced me that you are telling me the truth, so pretty, so honest. So I took it as a sign. A sign of you liking me the way I really am. Because yes, thats what I am. I am crazy. Especially for you._

_Time flew, we were growing older, but I didnt care. Your hands on my skin were keeping me young at heart. When I was in your presence, I felt like Im still 20. I was like that, like a young boy. Crazy, playfull and so naively in love with you._

_Were you like this too? I dont know. I thought you love me, in the same way I love you. Hopelessly. Strongly. Madly. With every inch of my heart, soul, mind and body._

_Did you ever love me? We never talked about it. I thought we dont need to. I thought its clear as a day. And every night we spent together, side by side, hunting paranormal entities was a proof to me that Im right. Oh well... I guess I wasnt. Now I guess I was wrong the whole time, but... why would you do all the things you did if you wouldnt love me? Just for fun? I dont think so. What went wrong then? What did **I** do wrong? What happened to us? What happened to those careless and free souls of ours? How come that we both changed so much? Whatever we had, whatever we shared, whatever we were... its over now. And its leaving me breathless, gasping for air. Its leaving me hurt and lost. Alone._

_I feel so alone without you. I always thought that you are the one. That we belong together. That we are meant to be together. But it wasnt so long ago when you gave me that new smile. That fake one. Its so different from your bright and honest one. Did you think that I will not be able to recognize it? Do you think that after all that time I dont know you well? I memorized every single feature of yours, I can visualise you standing in front of me and I can see every detail. I spent years watching you. Did you think that I wont be able to tell the difference?_

_You seemed to be lost in thoughts and you grew colder and distant to me. I asked you, if something is going on and you always said "Nothing." and gave me that fake smile. Everytime my heart started to pound fast in my chest and I felt fear squeeze my stomach. I knew somethings gonna happen, something bad is gonna come and I was so afraid... And now... the day is here._

_We are standing here, arguing, fighting, pointing out little moments and tiny problems just to make each other mad. Why? Why did we end up like this?_

_Why dont you understand how I feel? What you mean to me? That you are the only one in this world that I feel I belong to?_

_You were never really mine, were you? In the way that I thought you are. In the way that I wanted you to be. In the way that I **needed** you to be. Your heart always belonged to someone else and I get it, you were a husband, a father of two children, but... No, what I thought about it is unforgivable. And bad and selfish.  
But... you promised to never let go, to never leave, so... isnt it understandable that I started to dream bigger after some time? I forgived myself for failing at this point. You...? I think you probably never will._

_But you were **mine** in some sort of a way. You and the scent of your skin, heavy and rich, covered with glistening sweat, thats still surrounding me when I imagine you being near. Investigating haunted places, that wasnt the only thing we did when darkness swallowed the daylight. **From dusk till dawn** you kinda were mine._

_I remember our first kiss. We were standing in the hallway of Linda Vista hospital. The winds was howling through empy rooms. No ono was around. Just you and me... and maybe a few evil entities. We were alone.  
"Zak?" you breathed out my name and it sounded like a urgent question.  
I turned around and found out that you were right behind me the whole time. We were standing face to face, the moonlight illuminating your eyelashes, casting shadows on your cheeks.  
You leaned forward, slowly, and gently kissed my lips.  
I immediately fell out of breath. It wasnt a shy kiss, it was a passionate one and the taste of your tongue remained burned into my mind with the same intensity as your name is carved into my heart.  
I just wanted the kiss to last forever. I pushed you against the wall, maybe harder than you thought I would, but it didnt scare you. You smiled into the kiss, and all of sudden your hands were all over my body._

_Where are those times when we were hiding from our friends and cameras whenever it was possible? How come that I wasnt able to convince you to stay? How come that it was so easy for you to leave? How come that what you gave me consumed me and wont let me go even after all those years that went by? How come that I still love you this much?_

_I never should have let you in. Do you know you are the only one I have ever really left in? I allowed you to know me, to know the real me, my true self that no one else had the chance to see. I trusted you. I trusted you so much that I decided to share my deepest secrets with you. My weaknesses, my painful memories. Now you became one too. My weakness. My most painful memory. If you would only know how much it hurts to miss you. I know, its my fault that I left you in. I know I shouldnt. But I did. Now its too late to change it. I cant change the past. Neither can you. Then why are you trying to? Why do you want to erase everything that happened between us? It was so special, so sacred. Wasnt it enough for you? Or... was it too much?_

_I want you back. I want you to be beside me, but you clearly dont need me anymore. Its killing me to know that you dont need me, when everything I need is you. You, your hands, your voice. Our conversations. I need it. I need **us**._

_Who are you? I dont know you anymore. Are you the same person you used to be? If you are, why are you behaving so differently towards me? Why isnt everything the same as it used to be?_

_We had so much fun. We cried too, but not because of sadness, those were tears of laughter. Yeah, we were mostly making fun of Aaron for being a scaredy-cat, but you were also good at telling jokes. I, on the other side, was a complete loser. Only I did laugh at my own jokes. You always just gave me this **really?** stare, but off cameras you were laughing too. When we were off camera, we had even more fun together, when the cameras werent rolling, right? When no one was watching us..._

_I remember our **first time**. It was nearly 4am. You were pressing your lips on mine, stealing the breath out of my lungs. Your hands under my shirt, the little beard of yours scratching the skin on my chin, **desire** that I could taste on your tongue, your heart pounding against my chest... all those little sensations I could never get tired off... I couldnt get enough. I took off your shirt and scratched on your naked shoulders and arms with my nails. You chuckled and unzipped my pants.  
"Wait, Nick," I breathed out. "What are we doing? Youre... youre married."  
"I dont care," you whispered back then.  
"And what about Aaron? What if he comes and sees us?" I asked, being afraid that our friend could catch us in flagrante.  
"Shh, stop talking," you murmured. "I dont care about that either. I was waiting to kiss you the whole night. And you are so beautiful... I cant wait any longer."_

_The bed in one of the haunted rooms of Stanley Hotel was teasingly near. You pushed me a little. I didnt expect it, fell backwards and landed on the bed. You crawled onto me, pinning me into the matress with the weight of your body. Although it definitely didnt seem that way, you were the dominative one. **Did he ever do this before?** I asked myself. You appeared to be... skilled in that **stuff**. I, on the other side, was just a mess of moans, heartbeats and panic. I didnt know what to do. How to kiss a man, how to touch him, how to please him... you taught me this. You showed me a brand new world. You were **the first**..._

_I thought its gonna hurt, but when you dove into my body, it was just... amazing. Stunning. It felt... **right**. You wrapped your arms around me and was feeling... safe. Like as if nothing bad could ever happen. I wish I knew that the heat that was between us, driving me insane, will burn me down one day._

_It was raining outside. Heavy drops poured down, loudly crashing against the windows, covering our loud moans.  
"Nick, I..." I mumbled in your ear.  
"What?" you wondered, but didnt stop moving your body._

_**I love you...** I wanted to say, but instead of it I told you: "I like the way it feels when youre close to me."_

_Damn, why didnt I tell you what I truly wanted to say? Maybe it would made things easier. Maybe you would stop, pull away and tell me that you dont, that Im only a flirt for you, that its all simply just about the body. It would break my heart to hear that, but it would at least make things clear sooner._

_I left the thoughts to fly out of my head and focused on you and on what you were doing to me. On what you were doing **with** me. You didnt care, so why bother? But now... I think that I should have stopped you. Maybe if I would, it wouldnt hurt so much to look you in the eyes right now, remembering moments that happened a long time ago, knowing that they wont happen ever again. Knowing that anything that happened between us wont happen ever again._

_I remember the first time when we almost got caught. Aaron was once again alone somewhere in the building, so we took the chance to kiss each other quickly, when, all of sudden, he appeared behind your back. He came back and found us just seconds before my lips brushed over yours. I pretented to fix your microphone and blushed, being glad that he cant see my red cheeks. From that moment we always made sure that no one is watching us. I assumed that our best friend would not say a single thing to anybody, but you were so afraid that he could for some reason tell your wife whats going on..._

_And that... that made me remember the first time when you didnt want to go investigate with me. The Exorcist house, our 100. episode. It was supposed to be a big event and, well... it kinda was. Not just because of the demons, but... when we were arriving to the location in the evening, you started to talk about how we three all have been affected by bad stuff and how we are drawn to this location because of the negativity of it. You said that you are scared. That you have a family and you dont want to die of this.  
I just turned my face to the car window, knowing that this is it. This time Ive gone too far by picking a location to investigate. I always knew that one day you will tell me that Im going too deep, that Im choosing dangerous places and that you have to stay safe, that you cant be affected by a dark entity, because you have children and you dont want them to get hurt. But what was I supposed to do? To stop what I love to do? To visit only safe location? I couldnt do that and you know that. Because of our fans, because of what the people from Travel Channel wanted to see. Maybe... maybe if I would stop investigating, I wouldnt be that famous today, but I could still have you._

_Thats when our problems started..._

_I remember when you once came, all worried. I wanted to know whats wrong and you just said that your wife seems to know something about us.  
"What? How?" I almost collapsed.  
You just shrugged your shoulders and that night we did our investigation almost like two strangers._

_It wasnt that long after this moment when we had our first fight. We were leaving the Myrtles Plantation and you were strangely silent the whole drive.  
"That was a good investigation... right?" I tried to start a conversation, but you just nodded quickly, not saying a word.  
"We... we captured something, didnt we?"  
Your movements seemed to be tired, when you rubbed your eyes with your right hand, while your left hand remained on the wheel.  
"Zak, please... stop talking."  
"Um... okay..."  
I tried to hold my mouth, but I needed to know if something is going on.  
"Nick?"  
"...yeah?"  
"Is... is everything ok?"  
"Yes, everythings just fine."  
"You dont seem like that."  
"I just need some rest, you know?"  
"I understand. But... You seem like... you..."  
"Like what? Its nothing, Zak. I just want to get some sleep."  
"Alright, but... why are you so..."  
"Stop it. I said that I need to rest. Why do you keep asking me these questions? Is everything fine? Are you okay? Are **we** okay? To answer you - no, Zak, were not okay. I thought you noticed that, but apparently you are too caught up in all those investigations and collecting demon stuff to notice that somethings wrong."  
"What? Whats wrong, Nick?"  
"Its just... its... I dont know, its **everything** , you dont see it? You dont feel it? Im... Some things have changed in my life and... but... you know what? Dont worry about that, everythings alright."  
"You just said that its not! Whats happening? What changed?"  
"Zak! Stop it! Im tired of answering your questions!" you yelled at me. "Just... just let me be, okay? I simply want to go to sleep and not talk about bullshit like that. So shut your mouth for once and let me focus on the drive, so we wont crash into the nearest tree."_

_And then **it** happened. We flew to Ireland._

_"Zak? I need to talk to you..." you approached me and caressed my arm softly.  
"Yeah?"  
"Well... I dont know... I dont know how to tell you... how to say that I... you... What I want to say is,  
that I... I..."_

_**Oh, its here! Hes gonna tell me, that he loves me!** I thought._

_"You what?"  
"I... Im gonna be a father, Zak."  
I laughed, but my stomach tied itself into a tight, painful knot. **What does he mean?**  
"You already are a dad, Nick."  
"No, you dont understand... Im... Im gonna have a second child..."_

_I gulped nervously._

_"Alright...? Um... I mean... congratulations... what is it going to be? A boy or a girl?"_

_I tried to look relaxed and calm, but inside my brain I was just screaming in panic._

_"Its gonna be a girl... but... Zak... thats not the main thing."  
"What is it then?"  
"I... I cant do this anymore."  
"What?"  
" **This...** I mean... investigating with you guys. And... with you... I cant... I dont... We can no longer be... **together**."_

_I completely put aside that you said that we cant be together anymore. I never expected to have a real relationship with you, but being without you... like completely? Hell seemed to be more bearable than the thought of not having you by my side as we search for entities in the dark._

_"What are you saying, Nick? What do you mean by **not investigating with us**?"  
"I cant just throw my marriage into fire, man."  
"Okay, I got it, but... you wont be investigating with the crew? What the hell? Why?"  
"I need to be with my family. With my newborn child. My wife needs me."_

_I became totally speechless. I wasnt able to find any words to say, heck, I wasnt even able to open my mouth._

_"Zak... say something."  
"Im... Im gonna investigate with Aaron today. You can go with Billy to the Leap Castle."  
"What? I thought that we are gonna visit the Montpelier Hill together!"  
"You dont want to be with me, so you can go with Billy. I will rather spend the night with Aaron. He at least never lied to me, like you did. You are just lying to me. You always were. Your a liar!"  
"Lie to you? A liar? Me? Really? Thats what you are thinking? Or are you just mad at me?"  
"No."  
"No?"  
"Oh, fuck, of course I am, Nick! What were you expecting of me? That you will tell me that you are about to quit and that I will just accept it with a smile?"  
"I didnt, but... you need to understand that... I cant expose my family to such a danger! Im gonna have a baby girl, you idiot! What if a demon decides to attach itself to me and Im gonna bring it home? What if its gonna hurt my girls? My wife?"  
"Nick! We are dealing with this possibility for years! We all had attachements, we all have haunted hauses, we all are followed by ghosts and dark stuff! You never wanted to quit! What made you suddenly change your mind?"  
"I... Im..."  
"What? For fucks sake, just tell me the truth already!"  
"Alright then... its not all about my family... Its... Its because..."  
"Because of what?"  
"I... I got an offer from Destination America to create... to create **my own show**."  
"What?? I cant believe my ears. After all those years, after all those nights, after all those... **promises**... You are about making your own show?"  
"Im so sorry Zak... but... you didnt think that GAC will last forever, did you?"  
"Yeah I did, man! And you did too! At least thats what you were telling me the whole time! **Were gonna investigate together, Zak, until the world falls appart or until were gonna be too old to walk** ," I sarcastically mimicked your voice. "What happened to this? Why do you want to have your own show, Nick? Its because of money? Or fame? Or is it because you are jealous that Travel Channel wanted me to be the leader of the crew and not you?"  
"Zak... youre so conceited..." you shaked your head and lowered your stare. "Its because you are picking the locations! If Im gonna have a chance to choose the location by myself, I can pick those, that arent that dangerous and Im not gonna be exposed to dark stuff and Im not gonna endanger my family. But with you... with the crew... I have no choice but to investigate places that you choose."  
"So thats it? Thats what it is about? You want to have a word in choosing the locations? Fine! Do it! Its your job now! If you want to, you can choose whatever locations you want to, if its gonna stop you from..."  
"No, Zak, it wont stop me," you didnt let me finish the sentence. "Im determined. Nothing and **no one** is gonna change my mind."_

_I said nothing. I just turned around, leaving you alone in front of the Cruachan cave. I didnt want to look at you, to talk to you. I was too mad, too sad, I felt dizzy and all I wanted was just to get away from you, because being next to you, knowing that you will leave, was making me cry. And I didnt want you to see me cry._

_We spent the night separated. I was investigating with Aaron, you were investigating with Billy... When we reunited to investigate the Loftus Hall, I think everyone noticed that something is off. Everyone. Aaron, Billy, Jay... I think the people who watched this Halloween special noticed that too. I didnt talk to you at all, except for the moments when it was necessary because of the filming. When we turned off the lights, I felt your hand reaching for me and I heard you whisper something like **Zak, Im so sorry**... I just snapped and started to yell at you to shut up and when I realized that the cameras are still rolling I needed to come up with this fake explanation of me being affected by a dark force. I didnt want anybody to know that I screamed at you. I didnt want **you** to know that I screamed at you. I didnt want it to happen, but I was too overwhelmed by everything you said to me earlier... I just wasnt able to hold it in, to stop it, to stop me. And then you just left. You took Aaron with you and you left me alone in the darkness of Loftus Hall. Luckily, it allowed me to calm down a little, so I focused back on the investigation, because I knew  
that whatever happened between us it cant affect what Im doing. What the crew is doing. I needed to continue, although I did it with the thought that you wont be with us anymore..._

_"How many episodes?" I asked when we were standing at the airport, waiting for our flight back home.  
"Two... maybe three."  
"And then... then you are going to leave?"  
"Yeah... As soon as my baby girl is born, Im..."  
"Okay. I see," I whispered and turned away, pretending that Im reading something on a poster with a picture of the beautiful nature of Ireland._

_When we got back home, we filmed at the Queen Mary ship and then at the Lemp Mansion. Aaron was asking me constantly about what happened between me and you, because he noticed that we arent talking to each other, so I told him. I told him that you are going to have a second child, that you are about to leave, that you are about to make your own show. And then we got here, to film the Zozo episode, the one I knew is the last one with you as a part of our crew. The last one with you being next to me. The last one episode, the last time I can adore you, the last moment I can touch you, the last few minutes of you being **mine** in some way._

_The investigation ended. Guys were packing the gear and we... we were standing on the street, saying our final words._

_"So...? This... this is goodbye?"  
"I guess so," you shrugged your shoulders and shoved your hands in your pockets.  
"Nick... I dont want you to go. Tell me... what can I do? I will do anything! What do you want me to do?"  
"Nothing, Zak. Nothing. Its too late."_

_**Its too late...** Nothing hurts more than knowing its too late..._

_"Can I... can I at least get a last hug or something...? Before you leave?" I took a step forward, trying to reach you.  
You rolled your eyes and sighed.  
"If its necessary..." _

_I jumped forward and captured you in my arms. I tried to kiss you, but you pulled back a little, saying: "Please, dont. I dont want to make those same mistakes all over again. You wanted a hug, so... lets just hug each other and nothing more, **please**."_

_I embraced you tight and inhaled your cologne for the last time. Sandalwood, cinnamon and vanilla. Im gonna remember this scent forever, I swear. Im gonna remember your eyes, your voice, your smile and the way you used to kiss me when we were hidden in the dark for the rest of my days. I will never forget it. I will never forget you and what you meant to me. I will never forget what I maybe once meant for you. And Im gonna love you until the day I die, I promise._

_"Im gonna miss you so much, Nick."  
"Goodbye, Zak. I... I... Goodbye."_

_You stepped back, left my arms and my heart aching and longing for you. I watched your back, as you were leaving. I didnt say anything, because I knew it wouldnt change a thing._

_I still keep dreaming. I still keep hoping. I still keep waiting, although I know that its all in vain. You wont come back. You wont return, you wont hold me, you wont kiss me, you wont call me to say goodnight. Its not gonna happen. Never, ever again._

_So, now Im here, writing this letter about everything that I wanted you to know. About everything I thought you knew. I dont think that I will ever send it to you, because it would be too painfull to wait for a response that I know I would never get. Im gonna rather imagining you to just show up on my door one day so I can tell you all of this in person. Im gonna imagine you, as you are coming back one day, healing my wounds with your fingertips and fixing my broken heart with your lips. I dont want to admit that we are done, because for me... nothing ended. For me, we never said goodbye. For me, **we** are still alive. _

_I love you and I forever will._

_Im sorry that I didnt say that earlier._

_Im sorry that I thought you knew..._

**Author's Note:**

> Songs used for inspiration :
> 
> 1) Teflon Sega - What I thought you knew  
> (Well, if I had my way, You were back around and I would spend all day saying what I thought you knew  
> But you just wait, nothing hurts more than knowing it's too late to say what I thought you knew...)
> 
> 2) Teflon Sega - Beretta Lake  
> (Is it you or I, who the fucks giving up? You tell me why the fuck are you giving up? Like I ain't giving up  
> Fuck it my hearts still in, my hearts still in it...)
> 
> 3) Teflon Sega - Waiting Game  
> (And if love is a waiting game I will play ’till you show me...)
> 
> 4) 12AM - Lost  
> (And baby I waited on you so lonely, You tell me don’t break but I’m getting so weak  
> I wish that I could change tomorrow just for me, all the times that we spent, will I find love again?  
> I might be lost...)
> 
> 5) Beverley Craven - Promise me  
> (You look like you're in another world but I can read your mind  
> How can you be so far away, lying by my side? 
> 
> Just promise me you'll wait for me, 'cause I'll be saving all my love for you  
> Promise me you'll wait for me, I need to know you feel the same way too...)
> 
> 6) Lauv feat BTS - Who are you  
> ( I think I need a minute to figure out what is, what isn't  
> These choices and voices, they're all in my head  
> Sometimes you make me feel crazy, sometimes, I swear I think you hate me like uh  
> I need a walk, I need a walk, I need to get out of here 'cause I need to know who are you?  
> 'Cause something has changed, you're not the same, I hate it...)
> 
> 7) Ghostly Kisses - Stay  
> (You left without no goodbye in the night  
> Walked out for miles, I'm not surprised  
> You said it was not about you and I  
> And I wish somehow, somehow you could stay  
> Can you stay for a while?  
> Stay for a while just the way we are  
> Will I ever know when to let you go?  
> You said it was love  
> Love was not enough for you and I...)
> 
> 8) Ghostly Kisses - Where do Lovers go  
> (Meet me where all wrongs turn to right  
> Meet me where the light greets dark  
> Keep me where you hide your second sight  
> Deep inside where secrets start  
> Let’s watch the last rays fading out  
> Entwine our bodies on common ground  
> Will you hold on my love?  
> Even in a time of trouble  
> I want to hold on my love  
> Even in times of trouble...)


End file.
